First, a little about my pregnancy with Emerson. From the beginning of this pregnancy, everything felt completely different than Sam's. I got pregnant a little earlier than we had anticipated, but was able to adjust to the new plans. Throughout the first trimester, I was physically healthy and rarely got sick, but I was an emotional wreck. I went through a round of pretty heavy depression which was completely unusual for me. I have experienced periods of sadness or heaviness throughout my life, but this was real depression. I felt unmotivated and upset the majority of the time. I felt alone and scared, but I had friends all around me and I had nothing to be scared about. I felt like this baby wasn't going to survive and went to every doctor's visit expecting terrible news. After I realized what was going on, I did some research and apparently pregnancy depression (not just postpartum depression) is fairly common and can be brought on by the hormonal changes in the body.
By the second trimester, my mood lifted and I was able to feel more like myself again. I still went through depressive moments, but it wasn't all-consuming. Mostly, I was excited to find out the gender of the baby because I knew, 100 % knew, that this baby was a girl. I had had various experiences, some of which were very spiritual and meaningful to me, that made me believe this baby was a girl. I was so sure I hadn't even looked at boy names and had begun buying girl clothes.
And then, we found out he was a boy.
If you know me, you know I have a VERY difficult time with unmet expectations or sudden changes. It takes me a long time to process through them and adjust. This was one of those times that was really hard for me. When the ultrasound tech said that it was a boy, I was floored. My whole world changed in that moment. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how it felt to me. I had begun to picture a life with Sam and a baby girl. I had pictured doing her hair and having those mom-daughter conversations. I felt like I knew her and was beginning to anticipate who she would be. Then all of the sudden, she was taken from me and replaced with a stranger. Who was this boy? Since when was he the one inside of me, instead of this girl that I had already bonded with? What was I going to do with another boy? And what if this sweet girl never comes?
Needless to say, it took me a while to adjust. I cried for a few days and then felt completely guilty about it. I felt so ungrateful. I know so many of my friends who struggle with infertility or who have lost their sweet babies too early. I know that they would be happy to have any healthy baby, regardless of gender. And here I was, upset because my expectations hadn't been met. Why couldn't I just be happy that our baby looked healthy and we were being blessed with another sweet boy?
Eventually, I began to adjust. I started looking at boy names and I got all of Sam's adorable baby clothes out of storage. Even after accepting this new person inside of me, I couldn't seem to feel connected to him. I would try to picture him, get to know him in my head, and I just couldn't. With Sam, I had a pretty clear idea of the type of person he would be. I felt like I knew him before I met him. With Emerson, I couldn't even finalize a name for him. He was such a stranger to me.
This disconnect as well as the depression I experienced in the first trimester made me very concerned that I would not feel attached to Emerson once he came. I was afraid that postpartum depression would be a real issue for me.
After thinking of ways to help myself through this, I kept feeling like attempting a natural birth with Emerson could help. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't shake the idea. I had a wonderfully easy and smooth medicated birth with Sam. I had a voluntary induction right at 40 weeks, and I got an epidural halfway through the labor and slept through the rest. It was awesome and I loved it. So I was really surprised when I began to consider natural birth with Emerson. I guess part of it stemmed from feeling so out of control through the whole pregnancy. The prospect of having more control over my birth with Emerson lightened my spirits and gave me something to look forward to. I liked the idea of being able to actively prepare for it So I began looking around for natural birthing methods.
(Stay tuned for Part 2.)
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