I'm so Type A sometimes that I think to myself "I haven't written on my blog in forever. No one reads it anymore. Plus, I would have to go back and do a summary of all of the things that have happened in the last year before I could write an actual post." So each time I thought about writing a blog post, I became too overwhelmed with my self-imposed rules and didn't write.
Lately, I've been trying to shift my thinking in a lot of ways. I'm studying a new theory for therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I have had a ton of success using this with my clients so far and it really resonates with my theory of life. What's been especially great about it, though, is the self-work I get to do while I learn. I truly believe that no theory in therapy will work if you haven't done the work on yourself first.
ACT focuses primarily on mindful, purposeful living. In other words, don't let your dumb thoughts and dumb feelings/ anxieties get in the way of living your life the way you want to live it. So with that long introduction, I'm not going to allow my own insecurities about blog writing to prevent me from writing. Writing is an outlet for me and it's always a healing process when I need it to be. No dumb thoughts should get in the way of that.
This year has been a whirlwind to say the least. But when I look back on the 4 years since Isaac and I first got married, I can't look at even half of one and say "Well, that was nice, calm, and uneventful." Since getting married, I got pregnant, Isaac's father passed away, I started grad school, Isaac started school, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I had a baby, Isaac applied to BYU, I graduated from grad school, I got pregnant again, we moved to Provo, Isaac applied to internships, I had another baby, started my own therapy practice, and starting teaching at BYU-Idaho, we moved to Chicago, and moved back to Provo. There's 4 years summed up into one long, run-on sentence. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that "busy" is just Isaac and I's pace of life. I'm ok with that though, I don't do well when I'm bored.
In the midst of the busyness, though, I sometimes get lost. I lose my focus on the things that matter the most like my faith and testimony, or being a mother to my little boys.
Lately, managing my 2 very needy children has been incredibly overwhelming for me. I had this idea that adjusting to 2 children happened fairly quickly- give it a few months and I'll get into a grove with it all. While that was true for a little while, I forgot to incorporate the adjustment that comes with each new stage my kids are going through. Sam is done with the 2's, but headed into his threenager year. Emerson is done with "newborn" neediness, but it headed into toddlerhood. With these transitions, I find myself completely spent most days. For the first time since being a stay at home mom, I wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread in my stomach as I think about the day ahead of me. And that feeling of dread leads to feelings of guilt and saddness as I think about how moms "shouldn't" feel this way, how I should be happy because my life is so blessed and I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for.
One thing I have been learning through ACT is that happiness is very different than meaningfulness. We live in such a "feel good" culture that when we don't feel "happy" we think something must be wrong and look for every way we can to change it. The reality is though, happiness is not an indicator of a life worth living. Victor Frankl (author of A Man's Search for Meaning) talked about this concept in reference to his experience in Natzi concentration camps. Obviously, no happiness was to be found while he was a prisoner there. How could he be happy in such a place? But regardless of his level of happiness, he was able to find meaning and that's ultimately what kept him and others alive.
So as I think about my average day- the amount of bodily fluids that end up on my clothes, the never ending cries, whines, and yells, the hugs and slobbery kisses and the poopy diapers- I think I need to just stop and realize that though I may not feel completely happy throughout my day, I am doing something meaningful. Every moment I spend with my children is meaningful in some way because I am guiding them through this life. That meaning should be what I search for and then maybe happiness will come as an added benefit.
