I met you last night as I was getting my groceries. I sat in line thinking about how glad I was to not have to bring my toddler shopping with me and how tired I felt from spending the day with him. When it was my turn in line, I began putting my stuff on the conveyor belt and you began scanning it through.
Something you don't know is that one of my New Years Resolutions this year was to make an attempt at conversation with the cashiers any time I was checking out at a store. You see, I have a really difficult time with forced conversation or small-talk when it comes to strangers. This is a weakness of mine and it causes me a lot of anxiety. So this year, I decided to try to work on that weakness. I can't say my anxiety has gotten any better, but I can say it has gotten easier to strike up the conversation.
Last night, when I met you, I became overwhelmingly grateful that I had pushed past my initial fears and started a conversation with you.
I asked you how your shift was going so far (a line I've found is pretty safe to start out), and you told me that it was going well but that due to the fact you are 8.5 months pregnant, you were pretty tired. I immediately recognized this as a common-ground topic and proceeded to empathize with you. We talked briefly about pregnancy and our loss of energy. I talked about my "pregnancy brain" issues and told you about how just that day I went to get a drink of water only to realize that I had put a jar of peanut butter in the sink, instead of back in the cabinet. You laughed and totally related to that.
Then that moment of silence happened. That moment where my anxiety peaks because I either have to find some way to continue the conversation or give up on it altogether. I decided to press on and asked you something to the extent of "So with you being 8.5 months pregnant, I bet you're getting pretty ready to meet your little girl." You looked at me with a hesitant but pleasant expression and then you told me a little of your story.
You told me that up until a few weeks ago you were 100% sure that you were giving your baby girl up for adoption. You had already selected birth parents and built a relationship with them. Then, 3 weeks ago all of that changed when the adoptive mom was able to conceive on her own and they backed out of the adoption. You talked about how now, you weren't sure what to do or if you could trust anyone with your little girl, how maybe this was a sign that you are supposed to keep her.
As you told me your story, I realized I had no idea what to say to you. I felt something I haven't felt since being a therapist. I was able to see your strength without even knowing everything about you. I saw you, not as a cashier at Walmart, but as a strong, worried young woman. And I felt such compassion and love for you. You told me about such a raw part of your life and I admired your candidness. You didn't tell your story to me so that I would feel sorry for you, you just told it because it was real life and you wanted to be real. I appreciated that and longed to keep talking to you, help you figure out your choices, and support you in a time when clearly your support system did not exist. I wanted you to see the strength in yourself that I could see in that small moment with you.
Instead, you finished bagging my groceries and I told you something to the extent of "Wow, good luck with everything." You smiled and thanked me, and I left.
I unloaded my groceries into my car thinking about the contrast between our lives. I was going home to a husband who loves and supports me and a toddler who thinks I am his whole world. I have boxes full of baby clothes in my bedroom, just waiting to be sorted and prepared for this new little one who is entering our family. This pregnancy has been hard emotionally for me, but not once did I have to question whether I was prepared to bring my baby into this world or whether I would be able to provide all of the things he needs. I thought about how differently this pregnancy would have felt if I had not known these things. Or if, at the end of the day, I didn't feel able to keep him. A surge of gratitude filled my heart as I realized how blessed me life really is. My life suddenly felt so simple and uncomplicated and I was grateful for that.
Because I didn't get the chance to thank you last night and our paths may never cross again, I wanted to take this chance to say it all. Thank you, fellow pregnant woman, cashier lady. Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with me and helping me to realize how good I have it. Thanks for helping me further overcome one of my weaknesses and for showing me what can happen when you learn a little about people. Thanks for letting me see your strength. I hope someday, you'll be able to see that strength, too. And good luck with your decision about your precious little girl.
-Callan
