Pregnancy is Awesome

I think often in this life, people forget to talk about the blessings and miracles they experience.

Maybe we find it easier to talk about the hardships because those don't find a place close to our heart, whereas the sacred experiences we have are nestled deep inside.

I'm starting to understand this concept more and more as I begin my journey in Motherhood.

With pregnancy, too often I hear horror stories like, "I was so sick that I had to be near a bathroom at all times." or "The smells! The smells are awful, just wait." etc...

In fact, this was so much the case, that Isaac at one point during my pregnancy asked if something might be wrong with our baby. To him, my pregnancy was too easy compared to the stories he had heard. I didn't get sick very much. I don't have any crazy horror stories to tell. I smiled when he asked that question and told him that maybe he just didn't hear about easy pregnancies as much.

I think ultimately, this concept is why I was unprepared for the sacred, sweet experience of seeing our little boy on an ultrasound for the first time. I had heard how amazing the birth of a child is, how incredible and sacred it is to hold that little one in your arms for the first time. But I had seldom heard about how special just seeing a picture of him could be.

As the ultrasound tech began scanning our little one for his measurements and fluid levels, I watched in silent awe. Could this human being really be inside of me? Could Isaac and I really be the ones solely responsible for taking care of him?

After the measurements were taken, she showed us more of our son's profile. We saw his sweet head, complete with a button nose and beautiful little mouth. I realized that this moment was sacred, and the Spirit was permeating both Isaac and I's entire bodies. We were seeing our son for the first time. Our son.

In that moment, I knew him. I knew what I want for him, what I hope for him. After we watched our son for a few minutes, small tears welling up in both of his parents eyes, the tech handed us the pictures she had taken and left the room to make sure all of the scans looked good.

Isaac and I sat hand in hand as we looked back over these sweet pictures and just marveled at this person we created. We both commented on how special this felt, seeing him for the first time, how humbling it was.

We commented on how much we already love him.

At the end of this experience, it was hard to be upset about anything else. Just days before, I was bemoaning the fact that my body is becoming so unrecognizable to me. Isaac tells me every day how beautiful I am, and he means it will all his heart, but I wasn't feeling as beautiful.

After seeing out little munchkin squirm around on that screen, there was no self-pity left in my heart. How could I complain about anything with this miracle inside of me?

Perhaps, if we shared more of these experiences with other future mothers, motherhood/ pregnancy would not be seen as such a burden or hardship. It would be seen as a miracle, a blessing beyond all others.

I'm starting to understand that more now.

There's this boy...

Today I fell in love with another boy.

His daddy and I pretty much think he's perfect.

Trip to Kansas/ Missouri

Isaac and I took a trip to Missouri/ Kansas this past weekend to visit his mission people and go through the temple open house up there.

The trip was amazing, really. It taught me a few things about my life. 1. I married an amazing guy. (I already knew that, but it was definitely reaffirmed this trip.) 2. I'm terrible about remembering to take pictures. 3. Kansas City is much prettier than Lubbock.

We began the trip with a 12 hour drive in our cool rental car.

We knew our car wouldn't make the trip, so we opted to rent this one, and it was exciting. Isaac and I talked a lot about how long it would be until we could afford owning such a car. It's nice to dream. :)

Our drive went smoothly other than Isaac getting his very first speeding ticket. He's always been able to talk himself out of them before, but not this time.He blamed it completely on the fact that our car is was red and sporty looking, which I had to agree makes a difference. I had to laugh though, because now he can't brag that he's never gotten a ticket.

Anyway, so then we made it to Kansas City, MO. Though we were tired and it was getting late, Isaac couldn't help but stop off a few exits and show me various places he had served on his mission or funny experiences he had. He was talking a million miles an hour, and it was really fun for me to see him so excited. Eventually we got to the place we were staying- with some LDS members, the Kieffers, that Isaac had gotten to know previously.

They were awesome. We talked with them a while that first night and I'm glad we did, because we didn't have much time the rest of the trip to do so. They had nothing but wonderful things to say about Isaac as a missionary. Isaac has a hard time receiving compliments, but it was a bunch of fun for me to hear.
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The second day we met a bunch of other people Isaac met on his mission- some converts and some members. All of them mirrored the Kieffers in their high praise of Isaac. For 2 days I listened to stories about how Isaac had touched people's lives. For both Isaac and I, it was a very validating trip. He realized that his mission truly made a difference, and I realized that it was completely worth letting him go for 2 years so that he could make that difference. Luckily, I even remembered to take a few pictures of that first day!

The Crabtree Family.

The Adams- who are almost about to finish their mission at the Independence Visitor's Center

While we were visiting all of these wonderful people, we drove out to the temple so that we could see it in the day time. It was very busy with tourists and  volunteers, all of which had smiles on their faces. It really never gets old seeing new temples. There's always a sacred excitement about it all.

Isaac and his friend, Chris, whom Isaac helped bring back into activity while on his mission.

It was great to see the temple. The whole time Isaac and I were there he kept stopping people he knew. They always had the same reaction: "Woah! Elder Olive!! Your hair is so long and curly!" Always the "Woah" and then the comment about his hair. It made me laugh how many people he knew.

That night we were able to go through the temple open house with a couple Isaac met while on his mission. When he found them 2 years ago he talked with them extensively about the Gospel and they loved learning about it, but they weren't interested in converting. They are 7th Day Adventists and very devout. When they asked Isaac back then about the LDS temples, he responded by saying that he would take them through the open house when this temple was open. He made a promise to them that he would. Of course, they forgot about it all and assumed that was that until Isaac called them about a month ago. He asked if they still wanted to come and they excitedly said yes.

So we took them through. It was an amazing night full of insightful and challenging questions but also a feeling of peace and camaraderie. They are amazing people and we had a wonderful time talking with them. We had so much fun that we went over to their house afterward and stayed for another 2 hours (almost midnight at this point) just talking with them. I think the relationship formed between Isaac and this couple will never really be forgotten. They weren't any closer to converting to our faith by the time we left that night, but the moments we shared just talking about our individual devotion to God made the time spent more than worth it.

The next morning we got up early again and headed out. We visited many different places. Isaac literally drove me around to every single area he served. It was neat seeing all the places and attaching them to the experiences he wrote me about every week. We also met with several more wonderful people this day, but alas, I forgot to take pictures. I did take a few, though:

This is at the 3 Witnesses Monument in Richmond, MO, said to be the burial place of Oliver Cowdery

Also in Richmond, MO, this was taken at the sight where Joseph Smith rebuked the guards while being held unjustly in jail. The building is no longer there, but this the sight where is used to be.

The next morning, we got up and went to church in Isaac's first area. He was in this area for 9 months, so he got to know the members really well. It was fun to go to church and during sacrament meeting, people would glance in Isaac's direction, we'd see the recognition light up their face, and then they'd wave. He had many people talk to him afterward and say that he was their favorite missionary. Some families even invited us over for dinner. But we had to leave right after the meeting to get started on our 12 hour drive home.

Isaac was sad that he couldn't spend more time with his first area, but he was glad he got to see everyone and give hugs to all of those nice older ladies who couldn't hug him before.

The drive back was rather uneventful but good. We got to see Isaac's parents briefly on our way through Amarillo so that was great. We stayed and talked for a while and then headed back home. Halfway to Lubbock (an hour later) Isaac's mom called my phone and said Isaac had left his backpack at their house. He had a test the next day and finals in a couple of weeks, so being without his backpack wasn't an option. We turned around and headed back. This is extended our trip by about 2 hours, but it was ok. We made it home safely and happily.

Anyway, long synopsis of our trip. It was really neat, and I'm so glad we were able to spend that time together.

Kicking

The other day, I was watching this movie with Isaac:

when all of the sudden I felt something.

For the past few weeks, I've been paying special attention to little movements in my body, hoping to pin anything of them on this munchkin inside of me. But none of them were definite. Though I've never felt a baby kick before, I somehow knew what it should feel like.

So when our little munchkin decided to grace us with his/her presence the other night, I knew.

I felt a strong little tap on my lower tummy. I kinda jumped and then looked up to Isaac. The room had a few others in it, but I wanted this moment to be just Isaac and I's.

I whispered to him, "I just felt the baby kick!" and he asked me, "Really? Where?"

I moved his hand to my tummy where I had just felt the kick, and right then, I felt another one. I jumped again and he smiled. He knew he wouldn't be able to feel it yet, but he was excited to watch my expressions. I felt the baby 2 or 3 more times in that same spot before he/she moved.

It was the neatest and craziest thing to be able to feel someone moving inside of me, really a surreal experience.

Isaac later said that when I initially told him that the baby had moved a wave of panic came over him. Suddenly, this little thing that is making my belly get bigger is actually a moving, interacting human being. The reality of my pregnancy hit him a little more. He did say, however, that the panic was quickly replaced with peace and reassurance, and he knew that it will be ok, that we can do this.

Since then, I've felt the baby moving more often. I can feel him/her more when I'm relaxing because I can pay attention to the movements more. But I have yet to feel the baby quite as strongly as I felt him/her that night. I attribute this to the fact that the baby is either a girl, and she wanted to make her positive opinions about Jane Austen known, or it's a boy, and he was getting really bored.

I mostly look forward to the time when Isaac will be able to feel our munchkin moving as well. It's always more fun to share things like that with him.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed.

Not necessarily overwhelmed with life as it currently is for me, but with life as it soon will be.

I look at the 5 months left I have of this pregnancy and think to myself, "I'm not ready."

I think back to the decision Isaac and I made to get pregnant and wonder what the heck we were thinking. We're just kids! How can we expect to take care of one?

As the reality of Motherhood descends upon me, I find myself almost breathless at times, wondering what experiences it will bring and how I will handle such experiences.

Beyond even that, I have my graduate program beginning at the same time. 2 major life events happening within weeks of each other. Both, bound to change my life in their own unique ways.

So what I am I thinking, choosing all of this?

At this point in my questioning, I usually come to one conclusion: Because it's right.

Isaac and I knew that we should start trying to get pregnant after 2 months of marriage. Both of us were hesitant, understanding that the timing wasn't exactly great for out plans. We knew we could delay for a year or 2 and still "technically" be following the commandments. I remember those prayers we offered, both about grad school and the baby. I remember the feeling of reluctance I had as I came to God with these questions, both of which I already knew the answer to in my heart. But more than anything I remember how incredible the feelings of peace and assurance were.

Ironically, these days I often feel more childlike or immature than I ever have. As I pray to a loving Heavenly Father with these overwhelming feelings, I picture myself as a little child just learning to ride a bike without training wheels. My Heavenly Father is the one behind me, urging me to push on despite my justified fears. He knows that this will bring me joy and I trust him, which is why I'm doing it.

I look at all the things that I still need to decide: Cloth diapers or disposable, natural childbirth or epidural, breastfeeding or formula fed, etc...? Then there's buying everything I need to buy.

As much experience I've had with children, I still feel completely unprepared. How will I know how many hours I should wait in between feedings? How will I know which cry means what? How will I know if my baby is sick or hot or cold? I feel like I should have begun reading books and learning about all of this stuff way before now. With only 5 months left, I feel completely behind.

I'm sure I'm not the only 1st time mother who has felt this way before. So I welcome your suggestions and feedback, fellow mother readers.

In the end, I guess pregnancy in general is turning out to be a lot more faith provoking than I would've anticipated. It seems so simple- get pregnant, have a beautiful little baby that makes you lose sleep at night, and live happily ever after. But as the reality of this responsibility is hitting me more and more, I find myself deliberately pushing forward in faith.

I can't imagine what it would be like if this pregnancy happened on accident, or I was a single teenager facing such an unknown. What those mothers must go through...

Anyway, I apologize for the long entry about my personal woes, but I thought maybe writing about it would help me sort things out in my head. And I was right. I feel much better now.

Missionary Moment

Tonight, I tried a recipe that I didn't like. Not all that surprising with me being pregnant and all. But I was quite disappointed.

I learned an important lesson, though.

If ever you have a full casserole you don't like, invite 2 hungry missionaries over to your house.

They took care of it for me. :)

It's always fun to have missionaries over, but I still find myself feeling a little awkward. I am brought back to all those times of seeing missionaries and thinking of Isaac. For 2 years, missionaries were like a secret link to Isaac's mysterious world. They did what he did, they taught what he taught.

So now, even 8 months after Isaac's mission. I still feel somewhat girlish and bemused around them.

For me, it's fun to think of these missionaries' lives back home. Do they have a concerned mother or girlfriend that prays that they'll be fed and kept safe? I like to think so.

Just a few days ago, on March 29th, I saw the date and my heart leaped. But then, as I stared at the date more, I wondered why I was excited. I tried to think through all that I had going on to find something significant that would make feel this way. Finally, I remembered- the 29th of every month used to be Isaac's mission month. Every time I'd come to the 29th, that meant another month down. I laughed to myself. It was funny that after 8 months, just seeing the numbers 29 still made me excited inside.

Anyway, I guess that doing something for 2 years makes it stick for a while. No wonder our Elders have such a hard time transitioning back to normal life sometimes.

Isaac, 2  1/2 years ago. 

Isaac and I liked these elders a bunch, though. We'll definitely be inviting them over again. Hopefully, next time I'll be able to fix something a little yummier (not that I think they'd mind).

Awkward Pregnancy Stuff #1

I ate right before this picture, so my belly is a little bigger than usual, but still, it's gotten bigger. :D

Sometimes, people ask me funny questions about being pregnant.

I had heard from previously pregnant friends and family how awkward the questions and gestures can be. But I didn't anticipate this for a while. 

Alas, it's already begun.

Mostly I find that the questions are good-natured and well-intentioned, but I always find myself wondering how I should answer.

For instance:

1. How are you feeling? - This one seems pretty common and basic, but I'm asked that probably 2-3 times a day. Often, like the other day, I'll forget that they are referencing my pregnancy, and I'll say something like, "Oh, you know, I have a bit of a cold today, but I'm pretty good." Then I realize what they were actually asking about and I have to backtrack and say something like, "Oh, and yeah, no morning sickness or anything, so I've been good." haha It's like being pregnant means that that's all I should be thinking about. When they ask me how I'm feeling, I should just know that they are referencing my pregnancy, not my current state. I'm learning.

2. How's your baby??- This one cracks me up. I get asked this almost more often than the previous question. It seems to make sense to the people asking it, but to me, I'm like, "How do I even answer that?" --"Um... my baby is doing fine, I guess. Still in there, so that's good..." or "You know, I think he/she's still growing. Getting his/her fingernails this week, so I'm sure that makes him/her happy..." haha, I dunno. Maybe people with more grace and tact have better answers for that question, but I haven't come up with anything yet. 

3.Can I feel your baby?- Yes, I'm only 16 weeks along and I've already been asked this more than once. Usually my response to this is to look at whoever asked that question, look at my belly, and then just look back at them. In my head I'm thinking, "Um, my baby is currently like 2 inches big. If I can't even feel my baby, then you sure as heck aren't gonna try." 

4. "You're getting sooo big!"- Another classic. And I have no response. What do people expect me to say? - "What really? *Looks down at belly* Oh, you're right!" or "Yup, turns out that that happens when you're pregnant." or, usually my response. "Um.. thanks." 

5."Give me that baby!"- Ok, so this one technically doesn't count because it's from one of my two year olds who tells me that almost every day. She has determined that I'm just being silly by not giving her the baby in my belly. She thinks it's a game. To me, her request is equivalent to the ones listed above, though.

Anyway, I guess being pregnant changes the way people look at you. It suddenly becomes this information fest where they are allowed to ask you any question about your life and you get to answer. Suddenly, you're not just a woman anymore, you are a pregnant woman. There's a big difference, I guess (haha literally!). But I take it all in good stride and laugh to myself often.