Live Like I Am Living

All the time in mommy blog posts across the world, tragic news stories, or Tim McGraw's greatest hits albums I hear the phrases "treasure every moment" or "live like you were dying." Most of the time these phrases are attached to some kind of "because."

Treasure every moment because... you never know when your precious child will be taken away from you.
Live like you were dying because... you only live once and you don't want to live with regrets.
Treasure every moment because... life can completely change in the matter of a second.

And so on.

As I've read these stories and the precious sentiment behind them, I have often found myself thinking about this concept. How do I live like I am dying every day? How do I seize the moment, treasure every minute with those that I love to make sure that I don't end up with regrets? With these questions comes inevitable guilt. I ask myself, "Was I treasuring my life when I spent 2 hours watching TV last night instead of connecting with my husband?" or I'll say, "Dang, I failed at that YOLO thing today because all I did was clean my house and make sure Sam didn't seriously injure himself in some way."

But through hours of allowing my mind to contemplate this concept, I've come to a comforting conclusion:

There is no way to "treasure every moment."
There is no way to consistently "live like you were dying."

In fact, I'd go out on a limb and say living like that is counterproductive and unrealistic to real life.

I understand where mommy blogs and news articles are coming from when they tell us to reexamine our lives and try our best to live them to the fullest. The realization I've come to, though, is that sometimes living life to the fullest means doing the things that are completely mundane and seemingly meaningless.

I think about what my day would be like if I knew Sam only had 24 hours to live. Assuming he was healthy and could still do everything he can do now, I imagine it would start with me waking early in the morning (perhaps never sleeping the night before) and creeping into his room to watch him sleep. I'd watch his belly go up and down and love every breath he took. I think our day would consist of Isaac not working, nothing else in the world getting in the way. We would go to the park or let him ride some fun kiddy rides. We would eat all of his favorite foods. He wouldn't hear one correcting word or pay any visits to timeout for bad behavior because we wouldn't have the heart to go through with it. My computer would be completely ignored as well as any other media-related device, unless it was a music player and we were dancing together. With all of that and more, I guarantee that at the end of the day I would have some regrets. I would think of things I could have done differently to treasure my time with him more.

So as I think of that "ideal" day of treasuring my time with my family and living like I or they are dying, I think about how unrealistic it is. No work would ever get done, no bills ever paid. Our house would stay dirty because what's the point of cleaning? Sam would never learn the difference between good or bad behavior because I would treasure anything from him at that point.

So how do I treasure the special moments without feeling guilty that more often than not, my life will feel just normal? Well, I answer myself, I guess it would be best just to treasure it all.

Maybe in the end it's not that I need to change much about my life. I don't need to spend an entire day complying to every one of Sam's whims in order for me to feel fulfilled and not have any regrets. In fact, that would be really unfortunate. What if life is really more about treasuring the mundane things because it's the mundane things that teach us how to really live? I don't need to feel guilty about every time I put Sam in time out or tell him to go play in his room by himself, because he learns things through those times that I could not teach him otherwise. This life is about learning and we have to experience the normal to learn that the exceptional is exceptional. How else would we appreciate it?

I guess the conclusion I've come to is that I need to live... like I am living. Because, I am. And at the end of the day, if something tragic or unfortunate occurs that changes my life forever I hope I can look back and say to myself, "It's ok, you lived like you were living and you did your best to love it."

Oh, Boy!

Hey Sam, do you want a huge sucker? 

 There's a reason I gave you this big sucker. Do you want to know what that reason is? 

 You know that blue is usually a color for boys, and pink is usually a color for girls, right? And what color is the sucker you are holding?

 What I'm trying to tell you, Sam, is that I'm giving you this sucker because I have some big news for you. 

You are going to be a big brother! And guess what? 

 You're getting a little brother! You aren't going to be the only boy anymore! 

Say "hello" to Olive baby boy #2. 

Baby's First Haircut

Ok, so I know that his haircut was long overdue. 

I think I was avoiding it because I have absolutely no experience with cutting hair and didn't want to make him look bad (plus his curls are just so cute, I didn't want to have to get rid of them). But alas, his hair kept falling into his eyes and it was starting to bug him so I decided to go ahead and take the plunge.

Before

Before

I had him watch a couple episodes of his favorite show- Shaun the Sheep. He didn't move the entire time. :)

After

After

After (He was very into his show.)

 He has some weird hair lines where his hair doesn't grow in spots that it probably should, so I did my best not to make him look like a monk. :) Overall, I feel like it wasn't a huge disaster, so that makes me happy. I can't believe how big he's  getting. 

In Provo and Loving it

Hey Utah! It's nice to see you again!

We are officially moved in a finally getting settled into our new apartment here in Provo. Our move went fairly smoothly but we were definitely happy to get here and get unpacked.

Since moving here, Isaac found a job at BYU that he is completely in love with. It is exactly in line with what he wants to do career-wise. We are super grateful he was able to find a job so quickly, especially since we know the Provo job market is not always easy to navigate.

I have been having adventures with Sam and really enjoying the one-on-one, no-interference time that I've been able to spend with him. He's my little buddy and I love him to death. In many ways, I'm glad this new baby still has a little while to cook because I'm having lots of fun getting to know Sam outside of having school and work responsibilities. Provo/ Utah has so much to offer in terms of fun things for families and children to do, I'm almost overwhelmed by it all. But we just plan out each day and try to go do fun things as often as we can. I love watching him explore this new world of grass, hills, trees, water, rivers, and mountains. He is already in love with it all, in his own little cautious, reserved way of course. :)

Since pictures are more fun than words, here are some pictures of our latest adventures.

I took Sam to the splash pad, and he was very unsure about it at first.

It always makes me laugh how there can be an entire splash pad available to big kids, but they have to come over to the one little spout my toddler is playing with. Luckily, Sam was pretty chill about it and the big kid got bored quickly. 

Eventually, he discovered it was actually pretty fun, but he never wanted to go completely in the water.

Occasionally, the splash pad would turn off and then begin another 15 minute cycle. Sam loved when all of the water was off and he could just splash in the puddles, but he was caught off guard when the water started spraying and he was in the middle of the pad. 

We also like playing at the park.

Sam and I have been on a couple of walks and I continue to just soak in the beauty of all of the nature around me. Much different from the barren, windy, dirt-filled prairie we just left. 

The river we walk along.  

This week, we have also had a lot of fun because my mom has been here in Utah. She came to visit her newest grand baby/ my newest niece, born just over a week ago. After spending lots of time cuddling with the new baby, she got to come hang out with me and Sam and we have gone on adventures. 

My Aunt Cyndi had the idea to visit the City Creek Mall in SLC and to take the Trax train with Sam. My mom had never been to the mall before so she loved getting to see it. Sam loved the train and not having to sit in a carseat. Being his analytical and cautious self, Sam had to figure the train out first, and then decided it was really fun.

The next day, we all went to my Grandma Snow's house so she could see a bunch of her great grandchildren she hadn't seen in a long time. She also got to meet my new niece. We had a great visit with her and my Aunt Kathleen. 

Sam had funny climbing the stairs and looking at us through the balcony. 

Beyond all of my fun mommy adventures, I'm looking forward to getting my Etsy shop up and running again with more merchandise and exciting new ideas. I enjoy thinking of things to create and finding ways to create them. I also hope to continue to challenge myself intellectually by researching books and articles about the things I am passionate about. 

Today, I also have my first Utah doctor's appointment, so we're hoping for good things with the new doctor and the babe. 

Life is good and we are very excited to see what the next couple of years holds for our little family here in Utah. 

14 and Smitten

Tonight, Isaac and I were sifting through some old boxes, trying to get rid of anything we could allow ourselves to get rid of for our upcoming move. We happened upon several notebooks and boxes full of stuff we gave each other when we were teenagers. The things ranged from silly jokes on a post it note passed in the middle of seminary to each other, to meaningful, gushy, loved-filled letters soaked with the current trial or teenage heartbreak we happened to be going through that day. I came across an old journal entry from a journal I thought I had lost and it is so good I just had to share.

When I wrote this entry, I was 14 years old. Back then (and still) I liked to address my journal as a person, so that I could act like I was talking to a friend when I was writing. (I was inspired to do this after reading Anne Frank for the first time and seeing that she called her journal "Kitty.")

Isaac and I met about 2 months prior to this entry and I was completely smitten with him.

So here goes nothing- Callan in the mind of a 14 year old girl.

"Dear Lizzy,                                                                                      9-11-04
     Today was my first church dance here in Amarillo. It was soooooooo much fun. Lot's of guys were dancing with me, and it was just the coolest atmosphere. I am really happy, but I am confused. I don't know if Isaac likes me or not. I am like 'In love' with him, but I can't really tell if he is interested in me. Tonight I had the urge to tell his sister that I like him, but I didn't do it. I have to think this over. Will he treat me different if he knows I have a crush on him? I am just one whole ball of hormones right now, it's weird. I like every guy, but Isaac I feel like I could marry one day. He fits, 100% the curriculum" ((I think I meant criteria... haha)) "that I have set out for a future mate. He's strong in the church, he would be a good father, he can make me laugh. Plus, tonight I danced with him the last dance and we were talking and at the end he twisted me around (like they always do) and told me that I look really nice. OMGosh, I was so happy. I can't believe he would say that. It would lead a girl into thinking that that particular guy favors her, or so I thought, until someone came up to me and told me that he didn't like me like that. Man, why did they have to tell me that, I would've been a lot more content just being the naive girl that I am and thinking that he actually liked me. Should I tell his sister? Should I tell him? Should I tell anyone? Should I even continue on in this quest? What's the point, even if he, by some unspoken change, were to ever, in the least bit favor me as opposed to every other girl he has swooning over him, we aren't even 16 yet." ((The designated dating age for LDS youth)) "So where would we go from there? Well, I am pretty confused. I want him to like me so bad, but I'm not sure why. Did you know it is actually likely that we could get married? Yeah, because he is going to BYU at the same time I am, but he'll be going on a mission, and if I wait for him, which I would of course, then we could definitely get married. Cool, huh? Yeah, who am I kidding, he could have any girl out there, why would he pick me? But still something pretty strong inside of me tells me that it might very well happen. If only things could be that way. If only I could get the 'prince charming." If only. Well, I must be off, I will write to you later, perhaps things will turn good, or not. But for now there is hope, right? Talk to you later. Bye.
-Callan Snow"

We also found a 5 year plan that we had made on a date one time (at the urging of Isaac's dad who was always supportive of our relationship, but always there to help us see the long-term). It started in 2007 with Isaac and I planning our early graduations from high school. Then it went through our time at BYU, Isaac's mission, my study abroad plans, my graduation from BYU, and ultimately our marriage. The last part we planned was me getting pregnant sometime in 2012.

We look back now and laugh at how eerily accurate it all is. Everything went completely as we had planned for it to go in our relationship for 5 years. That's so crazy to me, but so awesome. I absolutely love reading over stuff like this and realizing that even at 14 years old I was so sure about my life. There is no way I could have predicted the life that I now have with Isaac, but somehow against all odds, it all came true for us.

I also love looking back at how incredibly dramatic I was! Perhaps this will give me more sympathy for my 14 year old daughter when she comes home one day talking about how she loves someone... *crossing fingers that that NEVER happens* ( I can hope, right?)

Isaac's mom found a spoon girl that Isaac made when he was 3. It had blonde,
curly hair and a purple scarf, so we had to take a picture. (2005)

I'm Back!

Wow. It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog! Since last year, I have had several things that I thought about writing on here, but alas the time got away from me. It's crazy how grad school and a baby can do that to ya. :)

As I finish out my graduate career, my eyes are looking toward the unknown future. I have literally been in school non-stop (with the exception of my semester in Russia) for the past 20 years. What is life without school? I'm puzzled to think about it, but also pretty dang excited.

With my graduation drawing nearer, a lot of people have asked me what I think I'll do with my degree once I graduate. Do I want to try to get my licensure hours right away? Do I want to work for an agency or in more of a private practice setting? Do I want to work with kids, addicts, couples, families, etc...? How much money will I make starting out? And the questions go on. At first, when I got questions like these I hesitated. I was unsure how to answer and how people would take the answer I had to give. Then nervously, I would stutter out something like, "Oh yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break for a while and just see how that goes. You know, I want to spend some time with Sam and just see what happens." I had the hardest time admitting that I had chosen to use my Masters Degree by becoming a stay-at-home mom. To my fellow colleagues and professors, this decision didn't make a ton of sense, and it was hard for me to explain it to them without feeling like I had to defend myself or justify my decision.

Isaac and I have gone back and forth with it. "Well, it would be nice if maybe you just worked part-time, just to bring the extra money in." or "Maybe you could just get all of your licensure hours out of the way, so that once you are fully licensed, you can work the hours you want." And while these are both valuable and reasonable options, they didn't feel right for our family. Before I even applied to get my Masters, Isaac and I had several conversations about what we wanted for our family. I felt the importance of prioritizing my calling as a mother and so did he. I began my Masters program with the idea that it was not leading to a full-time career (at least not any time in the near future), but was leading to a better, more enriching life for me and my family.

One day, while leaving one of my LDS professor's offices, I got the ever standard question about what I planned to do after graduation. When I said I planned to stay at home and be a mom, feeling relieved and assuming that he would at least understand where I was coming from in that choice, he gave me a disappointed look. I immediately stepped in to justify my choice by saying something like "Oh, but I plan on using my degree in other ways like community outreach and stuff like that, and maybe once I'm settled I'll look into getting my licensure hours." To that, he replied something like, "Oh, well good, because your degree won't be worth much if you don't actually use it."

I walked away that day feeling ashamed. I felt ashamed of myself for feeling like I needed to justify my choice to him, and ashamed of him for assuming that my degree will be useless as a stay-at-home mom.

The lessons I have learned in my Masters program have really been priceless to me. I have learned all about myself, my family of origin, how families and human beings interact, how unique pain and the expression of pain can be for people. I have learned that it's ok to feel empowered as a woman, but that doesn't mean we have to lower men's value to feel that way. I've learned all about addictions and the various biological, social, spiritual, and psychological components that feed into those addictions. Really, I could probably write a sizable book about the things I have learned both in the classroom and as part of the graduate school experience. And I wouldn't give that away for anything.

The lessons I learned in my Masters Program prepared me to be the mother I need to be to my children. I needed to see the torn families, the broken relationships to understand how valuable and amazing my little family is. And because of the lessons I've learned and the value system I want to live by, I've decided to embrace the life of a stay-at-home mom.

I already use my degree in my interactions with Isaac and Sam. I use it on a daily basis. I know, beyond a doubt, that because I got this degree our lives will continue to be blessed.

With all of that said, in no way do I judge others for choosing different lifestyles. Actually, after all of this I completely understand where they are coming from. Strong women are needed in our world today, especially women of character with moral backing. I applaud women for making the choices they make and continuing to make such an impact in our society. Deciding to be a stay-at-home mom or not is such an individual and sacred choice. It's not something I would ever judge any other woman for, because I am not those women and I don't know their purpose and potential. I know that for me and my family, this choice is what's best and that's good enough for me.

Anyway, so I'm back full force! I hope to use this blog to treasure the moments I get to have as a stay-at-home mom and share the fun experiences and lessons I learn. :)

Mommy Problems

Sometimes it's really hard to be a Mom.

Sam has been sick for over a month now. At first, I felt like I was handling it pretty well. Then the sleepless nights kept piling onto each other. The scary moments of him not breathing, or me being in the other room when he starts to cough kept coming.

Then, there's the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing I can do for him. He looks at me with sad, pained eyes, and I just have to look back at him and tell him (and myself) that this will end at some point. It'll be OK.

On top of Sam's sickness, my schooling and therapy have come on full swing. With Isaac and I trying to toggle schedules, switching off with him moment to moment, it gets complicated and stressful.

This past week, my normal babysitter called me the night before my 9am class to tell me that her little ones are sick. I didn't want to risk Sam getting anything else at this point, so I ultimately decided I would have to take him to class with me.

I don't know if any of you have had the experience of bringing a 4-month-old, sick baby to a 3 hour long class, but it's a lot to deal with. It's constant. I'm worried about him laughing; I'm worried about him crying. Mostly, I'm worried that he'll cough (which he did) and everyone will think he's about to die because he'll stop breathing. Beyond all of my personal worries, I know that the people in my class are tired of him.

On Mondays, Isaac has class until 1:30, and I have class that starts at 1. This leads to me taking Sam to class every week for 30 minutes. Today, I tried everything I could to get there on time with both of us dressed and him fed. I finally got to class and as I walk in, 2 girls rolled their eyes and started talking to each other about me.

That was my breaking point. I don't expect them to understand. They haven't been in my shoes, and that's OK. But can I get a break? I realize that a baby in class isn't ideal. If I had my way, I wouldn't ever bring him.  They can't see the long hours at home, the stress me and my family are under to try to make this all work.

So I say to you few people who read my blog. You never know what people are going through. Please don't judge. I realize that it's not always easy to have us mothers around, but we're doing the best we can. I'd like to think that if our situations were reversed, I'd be accepting of you.