Mommy Problems

Sometimes it's really hard to be a Mom.

Sam has been sick for over a month now. At first, I felt like I was handling it pretty well. Then the sleepless nights kept piling onto each other. The scary moments of him not breathing, or me being in the other room when he starts to cough kept coming.

Then, there's the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing I can do for him. He looks at me with sad, pained eyes, and I just have to look back at him and tell him (and myself) that this will end at some point. It'll be OK.

On top of Sam's sickness, my schooling and therapy have come on full swing. With Isaac and I trying to toggle schedules, switching off with him moment to moment, it gets complicated and stressful.

This past week, my normal babysitter called me the night before my 9am class to tell me that her little ones are sick. I didn't want to risk Sam getting anything else at this point, so I ultimately decided I would have to take him to class with me.

I don't know if any of you have had the experience of bringing a 4-month-old, sick baby to a 3 hour long class, but it's a lot to deal with. It's constant. I'm worried about him laughing; I'm worried about him crying. Mostly, I'm worried that he'll cough (which he did) and everyone will think he's about to die because he'll stop breathing. Beyond all of my personal worries, I know that the people in my class are tired of him.

On Mondays, Isaac has class until 1:30, and I have class that starts at 1. This leads to me taking Sam to class every week for 30 minutes. Today, I tried everything I could to get there on time with both of us dressed and him fed. I finally got to class and as I walk in, 2 girls rolled their eyes and started talking to each other about me.

That was my breaking point. I don't expect them to understand. They haven't been in my shoes, and that's OK. But can I get a break? I realize that a baby in class isn't ideal. If I had my way, I wouldn't ever bring him.  They can't see the long hours at home, the stress me and my family are under to try to make this all work.

So I say to you few people who read my blog. You never know what people are going through. Please don't judge. I realize that it's not always easy to have us mothers around, but we're doing the best we can. I'd like to think that if our situations were reversed, I'd be accepting of you.

Whooping Cough

My sweet little boy has Whooping Cough. It's a terrible, no good, very bad disease. But he's a trooper. After being pricked and prodded, hooked up to monitors, and coughing up his lungs, he still has a smile on his face. It's hard to believe a baby can be this happy after all of that.

Before I took Sam into the doctor, I was prompted to catch one of his coughing spells on video. I'm really glad I did, and I would recommend that to any parent who has a kid with a cough. It helped the doctor a lot to see him action.

Anyway, I thought I'd post that video on here so you guys can see what it looks/ sounds like. The video begins after his initial coughing spell as he stops breathing. It was hard to keep video taping him as he stopped breathing, but I knew it would be a good thing to have on tape. (He's very sleepy during the cough because it was in the middle of his nap.)

The deeper cough toward the end is the more dominant one during his coughing spells. It's the saddest thing in the world to watch Sam go through this and know there is nothing to do about it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We're hoping for good things in the future. I love that little boy.

Laughs

Last night I made my little boy really laugh for the first time. It was a true, all belly, all smiles laugh. It was the most adorable sound I've ever heard.

Today, my arms are sore from trying to get him to laugh again. It's the small things that make this motherhood thing so awesome.

Trials and Blessings

I really wanted to write a post about the past year and the year to come. But it seems like the longer I wait, the less that post is going to happen.

Suffice it to say, last year was rough for Isaac and I, as it seemed like it was for a lot of people (according to Facebook.) But it was also awesome for Isaac and I. It think that's just how years tend to be. We had one of the saddest moments I'm sure we'll ever experience with the death of Isaac's father. But we also had one of the most joyful moments we'll ever experience with the birth of our son.

I've found looking back on any series of trials that I have been given, that the blessings match the hardships. The harder the trial is, the more blessings you receive by being faithful through it. At least, that's how it's been in my life. This year was no different in that regard.

I love looking back and seeing where my trials lead me. Some of the biggest examples I can think of are:
1. When I moved to Texas
   - I was 14 when my family moved to TX, and I thought my entire life was over. I went into depression for about 3 months, thinking I would never be happy again. I told my Mom I was going to run away, and I made a plan to do so in my journal (complete with a goodbye note). I was convinced that nothing good would come of this trial... until I met Isaac. My first Sunday in Texas, this cute boy looked at me from across the classroom and right then, I noticed he was different. I went home and told my mom that although my life was over, there was this one boy that was pretty neat. And the rest is history. The blessings FAR exceeded that trial that seemed unbearable to my 14-year-old self.
2. Graduating early
  - When I was 16 my parents sat me and my siblings down and explained that we would be moving the summer before I began my Senior year of high school. I was devastated. Not only did that mean that I would need to graduate early, it also meant that I would be leaving Isaac for a year before college. I prayed through it, though, and eventually felt peace. Half-way through the summer, with me in the middle of summer classes so that I could finish high school a year early, my parents sat us down once again and told us that we wouldn't be moving after all. I was ticked. I had already set things in motion for graduating. I was so upset that I gave that Senior year up for nothing (though, I was excited that it meant Isaac and I would still be together.) It wasn't until I got into BYU that I realized why I had to graduate early. I tried hard in High School, but my GPA wasn't the highest according to BYU standards. That with my low ACT score would have prevented me from getting into BYU, but because I went to a junior college for 2 semesters and made a 4.0 there, I was able to transfer those credits, and I made it in. Once again, I understood that because of my faithfulness during what seemed like a very difficult trial, I was given blessings more than I could comprehend.
3. Our house being broken into
   -You all know about that whole thing, our house being robbed last year. But here's the thing. Because of that robbing, we were able to battle it out with our rental company and get released, without penalty from our lease. It just so happened that at the exact time that we were finally let out of our lease, a budget-friendly, everything-we-want-and-more apartment opened up and we were able to get the slot. Isaac and I think about that often as we enjoy our current place and how glad we are that everything worked out like it did. God didn't chose for us to have our house broken into, that was some idiots dumb choice, but He knew how to make good things come of it. He always knows how to make good things come of it.

From these experiences and more, I've come to realize in a very poignant way that God gets it. He gets what's going on. He knows our lives way better than we do. He knows that certain things will be hard for us and certain things will be awesome. He knows the paths we need to take to make us the best people we can be. Most of all, He loves us. He loves us so much that He's willing to watch us suffer because He knows something even better is on the other side of that suffering.

This year, as I head into a future full of unknowns, all I can do is have absolute faith in the fact that God is with me always. He will always be watching our little family. As bad things happen, because they will happen, He will always make good things come of it. As long as I can have faith in Him, regardless of the circumstance, I will be blessed more than I could imagine.

Anyway, that's my New Year's post. I hope everyone out there has an awesome 2013. :)

Speaking of something awesome, this is a new video of Sam making all sorts of noises. He did this for 15 minutes straight that night and we were cracking up. I love his little voice. :)

A Day In The Life of Sam

Today, I woke up my mom. It was the 4th time I woke her up since she made me go to sleep last night. Obviously she doesn't understand that sleep is optional, a gift given by a selfless son like me on nights when I feel generous.

This time when I woke her up, I made sure to make little whiny sighs, like I do when I'm not really upset yet, but I want her attention. (She always falls for the whiny sighs.) After a few minutes, I realized that I might need to bring out the big guns, so I started to cry. She got out of bed and picked me up. ;) After cuddling me for a bit, she brought me to one of my favorite places in the world- my Changing Table! 

Oh, my changing table. You represent everything good in the world. You are the gift that keeps on giving. I love looking in the mirror next to my changing table, and making sounds at my friend, the funny looking baby on the other side. (What does he do all day when I'm not there to play with him?) Sometimes, I can see my mom in the mirror. It's so funny, all I have to do is smile, and my mom goes crazy. I love making her smile, so I do what I can.

Donning a fresh, dry diaper, I headed back to Mom's room to play. To thank me for the segments of sleep I gave her, she started playing with me. We did our morning exercise with Mom moving my arms and legs, while tickling my tummy. Seriously, I don't understand why she thinks tickling is necessary. I kept smiling because it's so funny to watch her reaction each time. She makes all of these funny noises and faces, and all I have to do is smile.

After a while, Mom and I got so noisy that Dad woke up. He's just like Mom, so when he started talking and making all of his funny noises, I smiled at him too. Mom and Dad always argue about who I smile at the most, so I like to change it up every now and then, just trying to keep things lively.

After our morning exercise, I decided that I was tired, so I went back to sleep. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I really want to go back to sleep though, so it takes me a while to decide. During this time, I expect Mom to hold me and be patient. Ultimately, I usually decide that a nap sounds good, so there's that.

After I woke up, I ate again. Eating is another favorite of mine. Mom knows that I don't have much patience when it comes to my food. When I want my food, she is expected to give it to me right away. Sometimes she tells me that I need to wait while she gets my bottle ready. I'm not sure why she didn't just think of that before I was hungry. (What else does she have going on, anyway?) I let her know that her lack of preparation should not mean that I have to suffer by screaming as loudly as possible. This usually helps her to understand that in the future, she needs to be prepared and not take so long getting my bottle ready.

After eating, I had to burp. Burping is an art. Sometimes, I like to burp loudly and abruptly. Sometimes, I like to take a long time before burping, just to build the suspense. Burps come in a variety of different mediums. Sometimes they are more solid, sometimes they are more watery. I often like to choose a specific target on which to bestow my artwork. These targets often include Mom's clean outfit, Dad's shoulder and down his back, or all over myself. It really just depends on the day. Sometimes Mom tries to hinder my creative talent by placing a "burp cloth" in the way. But I usually make my burps unpredictable enough that she doesn't get there in time.

Well basically, that's my day. Just repeat all of the things I mentioned above about 7 times, and you'll have it.

Overall, I'd say my life is pretty good. I have two parents who would do anything for me, especially if I smile. I have a comfy bed, and an awesome changing table (Shout out to my homeboy, mirror friend!). Hopefully, soon I'll be able to grab stuff like Mom's hair and eat baby food (which I've heard can also be quite the art).

Kinda Everything

Isn't it funny how you always want to write a blog post at those times when you have a million other things  you really need to be doing?

But I'm using it as an excuse! I have about 27+ pages to write over the next week, so I figure writing a blog post is just a way of getting into the writing mode.

I thought I'd just give a general update of the goings on in the Olive household since I haven't done that in a while.

Isaac and I are doing well. It's definitely an adjustment having a baby, much more than we thought it would be. With both of us in school, him working, me doing therapy stuff, and two church callings a piece, we're busy people. Everyone always asks us how we're doing it, but to us it's just life. All of the things we are doing right now are great things, and we chose to do them, so it wouldn't make much sense to complain about them.

We'll both be finishing this semester over the next couple of weeks and we're really excited. Tech gives us a month for Christmas break, and we plan to have a fun, productive month. We get to spend Christmas with both of our families this year, and we're really looking forward to being with everyone.

Sam is doing wonderfully. I'm constantly in awe about how good he is. I've been around a fair share of babies in my life, so I know the mellow ones vs the stubborn, attitude ones. Sam is about as mellow as you get. As long as his needs are met, he is perfectly happy. I can't remember a single instance where Sam's needs have been met and he cried anyway. He's just a happy boy. Isaac and I feel very blessed to have such an easy-going baby, especially right now. He's perfect for what we needed, and we're very grateful.

For me, as a mother, this baby business has been a difficult adjustment. I love Sam with all of my heart, and it surprises me how much I completely adore him. He really is the best, easiest baby that I could imagine having. That being said, having a baby is hard.

I find that things that used to be easy are now a lot more complicated. My morning routine, for instance, used to take me around 45 minutes to an hour (including showing, hair, make-up, and breakfast). But now, it takes me close to 3 hours because everything is broken up around Sam's needs. My house never gets clean, because by the time I'm finally ready for the day, I need to do homework or head to class. Sleep, of course, is a whole other ball game. Sam's sleep schedule is still somewhat sporadic, and that makes getting things done difficult as well. Beyond that, I'm constantly trying to juggle school and other things, trying to determine what it's ok to bring him to, and what I need to get a sitter for.

But the thing is, none of that stuff matters. After hours of conversation with Isaac about how frustrated I am at my "lack of productivity," he has helped me realize something. It's never going to be the same as it was before. I'm never going to get everything done on my list, because there's something much more important going on. I've learned over the last little while, that by choosing to go to grad school and have a baby, I chose to let other things go. I can't do it all, no matter how much I want to, and that's ok. Sam makes up for everything I feel like I've lost by having him. In fact, he far exceeds everything I used to have. Him being in my life is the biggest blessing imaginable. After long nights where he woke up every 1-2 hours, I sit with him in the morning and still marvel that he is in my life. He smiles at me, and I say a silent prayer in thanksgiving to God for this amazing gift. Getting ready for the day, I stare at my new body in the mirror, and convince myself that those marks are the marks of motherhood, of beauty and selflessness, and that makes everything seem so much better.

I know that this has been kind of a long blog post, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I think I felt like I was failing if I couldn't accomplish all of the things that I wanted to and be a good mom at the same time. But that's not true. Sam won't remember if my kitchen was spotless, or if he always had the cutest, cleanest clothes. He won't care if he had to spend extra hours with Daddy because Mommy was at school or doing therapy. In fact, he'll like that time spent with Daddy. For now, it's all about perspective. This school thing won't last forever, and then I'll be done. I'll be able to invest full-time at home and get the things done there that I want to. Until then, I need to keep the perspective that Isaac and I chose both of these blessings. We chose to go to school and have Sam. So I should feel blessed that we are able to do so, and stop worrying so much about all of the trivial things.

Overall our family is doing really well. We feel very blessed by all that we have been given and continue to enjoy our lives. I'm so excited about the Christmas season, it's definitely my favorite time of year.

(About 4 weeks ago)This is my favorite time of day. It's the first time I talk to Sam in the morning. We don't usually talk to him at night so he gets super excited each morning when we do. This makes everything so worth it.

Sam Smiles

Lately, Sam has been smiling a bunch. And these aren't like, "Hey, I'm letting out some gas right now and that's a relief." type smiles, they are legit, responding to mom and dad type smiles.

Sometimes I'll set Sam down to get some stuff done, and every once and while I'll catch him smiling out of the corner of my eye. If Isaac and I are having a conversation, or the temple mirror that we have in our living room is in his view, there is a smile on his face.

I am beginning to live for those smiles. It never gets boring or normal. Every time he looks at me and smiles, my heart melts all over again, and I marvel at how awesome he is.

It's funny, because I'm almost scared to miss them. I'm afraid that sometime I'll be too busy or not paying enough attention, and he'll have a smile on his face. I don't want to miss a single smile or a single moment.

I guess that's another hardship of motherhood, the fact that we'll have to miss some things. I'll have to miss smiles here and babbling there. It's a hard concept to resign myself to.

Every time I have to leave my little one, for class or otherwise, I think about how I'll never get those 3 hours back. He'll never be just 7 weeks, 8 hours, and 23 minutes old again.

He's already grown up so much since he was born. Part of me is super excited to learn more about him and slowly see his personality develop. But the mother in me is mourning the time already gone. I now understand why I hear mothers say to treasure the moments that you have, because it all passes too quickly.

I know Isaac feels the same. Just the other day he said, "It wouldn't be so bad if you got pregnant again. It'd be fun to have another little baby." To which I replied, "Um... no."

Anyway, the reality is that time has to pass. I guess the important part is enjoying the time we are given and living life to its fullest. For now, I will continue to marvel at every little coo or smile. Sam amazes me every day. I never want to lose that feeling of wonder and excitement about him.