14 and Smitten

Tonight, Isaac and I were sifting through some old boxes, trying to get rid of anything we could allow ourselves to get rid of for our upcoming move. We happened upon several notebooks and boxes full of stuff we gave each other when we were teenagers. The things ranged from silly jokes on a post it note passed in the middle of seminary to each other, to meaningful, gushy, loved-filled letters soaked with the current trial or teenage heartbreak we happened to be going through that day. I came across an old journal entry from a journal I thought I had lost and it is so good I just had to share.

When I wrote this entry, I was 14 years old. Back then (and still) I liked to address my journal as a person, so that I could act like I was talking to a friend when I was writing. (I was inspired to do this after reading Anne Frank for the first time and seeing that she called her journal "Kitty.")

Isaac and I met about 2 months prior to this entry and I was completely smitten with him.

So here goes nothing- Callan in the mind of a 14 year old girl.

"Dear Lizzy,                                                                                      9-11-04
     Today was my first church dance here in Amarillo. It was soooooooo much fun. Lot's of guys were dancing with me, and it was just the coolest atmosphere. I am really happy, but I am confused. I don't know if Isaac likes me or not. I am like 'In love' with him, but I can't really tell if he is interested in me. Tonight I had the urge to tell his sister that I like him, but I didn't do it. I have to think this over. Will he treat me different if he knows I have a crush on him? I am just one whole ball of hormones right now, it's weird. I like every guy, but Isaac I feel like I could marry one day. He fits, 100% the curriculum" ((I think I meant criteria... haha)) "that I have set out for a future mate. He's strong in the church, he would be a good father, he can make me laugh. Plus, tonight I danced with him the last dance and we were talking and at the end he twisted me around (like they always do) and told me that I look really nice. OMGosh, I was so happy. I can't believe he would say that. It would lead a girl into thinking that that particular guy favors her, or so I thought, until someone came up to me and told me that he didn't like me like that. Man, why did they have to tell me that, I would've been a lot more content just being the naive girl that I am and thinking that he actually liked me. Should I tell his sister? Should I tell him? Should I tell anyone? Should I even continue on in this quest? What's the point, even if he, by some unspoken change, were to ever, in the least bit favor me as opposed to every other girl he has swooning over him, we aren't even 16 yet." ((The designated dating age for LDS youth)) "So where would we go from there? Well, I am pretty confused. I want him to like me so bad, but I'm not sure why. Did you know it is actually likely that we could get married? Yeah, because he is going to BYU at the same time I am, but he'll be going on a mission, and if I wait for him, which I would of course, then we could definitely get married. Cool, huh? Yeah, who am I kidding, he could have any girl out there, why would he pick me? But still something pretty strong inside of me tells me that it might very well happen. If only things could be that way. If only I could get the 'prince charming." If only. Well, I must be off, I will write to you later, perhaps things will turn good, or not. But for now there is hope, right? Talk to you later. Bye.
-Callan Snow"

We also found a 5 year plan that we had made on a date one time (at the urging of Isaac's dad who was always supportive of our relationship, but always there to help us see the long-term). It started in 2007 with Isaac and I planning our early graduations from high school. Then it went through our time at BYU, Isaac's mission, my study abroad plans, my graduation from BYU, and ultimately our marriage. The last part we planned was me getting pregnant sometime in 2012.

We look back now and laugh at how eerily accurate it all is. Everything went completely as we had planned for it to go in our relationship for 5 years. That's so crazy to me, but so awesome. I absolutely love reading over stuff like this and realizing that even at 14 years old I was so sure about my life. There is no way I could have predicted the life that I now have with Isaac, but somehow against all odds, it all came true for us.

I also love looking back at how incredibly dramatic I was! Perhaps this will give me more sympathy for my 14 year old daughter when she comes home one day talking about how she loves someone... *crossing fingers that that NEVER happens* ( I can hope, right?)

Isaac's mom found a spoon girl that Isaac made when he was 3. It had blonde,
curly hair and a purple scarf, so we had to take a picture. (2005)

I'm Back!

Wow. It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog! Since last year, I have had several things that I thought about writing on here, but alas the time got away from me. It's crazy how grad school and a baby can do that to ya. :)

As I finish out my graduate career, my eyes are looking toward the unknown future. I have literally been in school non-stop (with the exception of my semester in Russia) for the past 20 years. What is life without school? I'm puzzled to think about it, but also pretty dang excited.

With my graduation drawing nearer, a lot of people have asked me what I think I'll do with my degree once I graduate. Do I want to try to get my licensure hours right away? Do I want to work for an agency or in more of a private practice setting? Do I want to work with kids, addicts, couples, families, etc...? How much money will I make starting out? And the questions go on. At first, when I got questions like these I hesitated. I was unsure how to answer and how people would take the answer I had to give. Then nervously, I would stutter out something like, "Oh yeah, I think I'm gonna take a break for a while and just see how that goes. You know, I want to spend some time with Sam and just see what happens." I had the hardest time admitting that I had chosen to use my Masters Degree by becoming a stay-at-home mom. To my fellow colleagues and professors, this decision didn't make a ton of sense, and it was hard for me to explain it to them without feeling like I had to defend myself or justify my decision.

Isaac and I have gone back and forth with it. "Well, it would be nice if maybe you just worked part-time, just to bring the extra money in." or "Maybe you could just get all of your licensure hours out of the way, so that once you are fully licensed, you can work the hours you want." And while these are both valuable and reasonable options, they didn't feel right for our family. Before I even applied to get my Masters, Isaac and I had several conversations about what we wanted for our family. I felt the importance of prioritizing my calling as a mother and so did he. I began my Masters program with the idea that it was not leading to a full-time career (at least not any time in the near future), but was leading to a better, more enriching life for me and my family.

One day, while leaving one of my LDS professor's offices, I got the ever standard question about what I planned to do after graduation. When I said I planned to stay at home and be a mom, feeling relieved and assuming that he would at least understand where I was coming from in that choice, he gave me a disappointed look. I immediately stepped in to justify my choice by saying something like "Oh, but I plan on using my degree in other ways like community outreach and stuff like that, and maybe once I'm settled I'll look into getting my licensure hours." To that, he replied something like, "Oh, well good, because your degree won't be worth much if you don't actually use it."

I walked away that day feeling ashamed. I felt ashamed of myself for feeling like I needed to justify my choice to him, and ashamed of him for assuming that my degree will be useless as a stay-at-home mom.

The lessons I have learned in my Masters program have really been priceless to me. I have learned all about myself, my family of origin, how families and human beings interact, how unique pain and the expression of pain can be for people. I have learned that it's ok to feel empowered as a woman, but that doesn't mean we have to lower men's value to feel that way. I've learned all about addictions and the various biological, social, spiritual, and psychological components that feed into those addictions. Really, I could probably write a sizable book about the things I have learned both in the classroom and as part of the graduate school experience. And I wouldn't give that away for anything.

The lessons I learned in my Masters Program prepared me to be the mother I need to be to my children. I needed to see the torn families, the broken relationships to understand how valuable and amazing my little family is. And because of the lessons I've learned and the value system I want to live by, I've decided to embrace the life of a stay-at-home mom.

I already use my degree in my interactions with Isaac and Sam. I use it on a daily basis. I know, beyond a doubt, that because I got this degree our lives will continue to be blessed.

With all of that said, in no way do I judge others for choosing different lifestyles. Actually, after all of this I completely understand where they are coming from. Strong women are needed in our world today, especially women of character with moral backing. I applaud women for making the choices they make and continuing to make such an impact in our society. Deciding to be a stay-at-home mom or not is such an individual and sacred choice. It's not something I would ever judge any other woman for, because I am not those women and I don't know their purpose and potential. I know that for me and my family, this choice is what's best and that's good enough for me.

Anyway, so I'm back full force! I hope to use this blog to treasure the moments I get to have as a stay-at-home mom and share the fun experiences and lessons I learn. :)

Mommy Problems

Sometimes it's really hard to be a Mom.

Sam has been sick for over a month now. At first, I felt like I was handling it pretty well. Then the sleepless nights kept piling onto each other. The scary moments of him not breathing, or me being in the other room when he starts to cough kept coming.

Then, there's the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing I can do for him. He looks at me with sad, pained eyes, and I just have to look back at him and tell him (and myself) that this will end at some point. It'll be OK.

On top of Sam's sickness, my schooling and therapy have come on full swing. With Isaac and I trying to toggle schedules, switching off with him moment to moment, it gets complicated and stressful.

This past week, my normal babysitter called me the night before my 9am class to tell me that her little ones are sick. I didn't want to risk Sam getting anything else at this point, so I ultimately decided I would have to take him to class with me.

I don't know if any of you have had the experience of bringing a 4-month-old, sick baby to a 3 hour long class, but it's a lot to deal with. It's constant. I'm worried about him laughing; I'm worried about him crying. Mostly, I'm worried that he'll cough (which he did) and everyone will think he's about to die because he'll stop breathing. Beyond all of my personal worries, I know that the people in my class are tired of him.

On Mondays, Isaac has class until 1:30, and I have class that starts at 1. This leads to me taking Sam to class every week for 30 minutes. Today, I tried everything I could to get there on time with both of us dressed and him fed. I finally got to class and as I walk in, 2 girls rolled their eyes and started talking to each other about me.

That was my breaking point. I don't expect them to understand. They haven't been in my shoes, and that's OK. But can I get a break? I realize that a baby in class isn't ideal. If I had my way, I wouldn't ever bring him.  They can't see the long hours at home, the stress me and my family are under to try to make this all work.

So I say to you few people who read my blog. You never know what people are going through. Please don't judge. I realize that it's not always easy to have us mothers around, but we're doing the best we can. I'd like to think that if our situations were reversed, I'd be accepting of you.

Whooping Cough

My sweet little boy has Whooping Cough. It's a terrible, no good, very bad disease. But he's a trooper. After being pricked and prodded, hooked up to monitors, and coughing up his lungs, he still has a smile on his face. It's hard to believe a baby can be this happy after all of that.

Before I took Sam into the doctor, I was prompted to catch one of his coughing spells on video. I'm really glad I did, and I would recommend that to any parent who has a kid with a cough. It helped the doctor a lot to see him action.

Anyway, I thought I'd post that video on here so you guys can see what it looks/ sounds like. The video begins after his initial coughing spell as he stops breathing. It was hard to keep video taping him as he stopped breathing, but I knew it would be a good thing to have on tape. (He's very sleepy during the cough because it was in the middle of his nap.)

The deeper cough toward the end is the more dominant one during his coughing spells. It's the saddest thing in the world to watch Sam go through this and know there is nothing to do about it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We're hoping for good things in the future. I love that little boy.

Laughs

Last night I made my little boy really laugh for the first time. It was a true, all belly, all smiles laugh. It was the most adorable sound I've ever heard.

Today, my arms are sore from trying to get him to laugh again. It's the small things that make this motherhood thing so awesome.

Trials and Blessings

I really wanted to write a post about the past year and the year to come. But it seems like the longer I wait, the less that post is going to happen.

Suffice it to say, last year was rough for Isaac and I, as it seemed like it was for a lot of people (according to Facebook.) But it was also awesome for Isaac and I. It think that's just how years tend to be. We had one of the saddest moments I'm sure we'll ever experience with the death of Isaac's father. But we also had one of the most joyful moments we'll ever experience with the birth of our son.

I've found looking back on any series of trials that I have been given, that the blessings match the hardships. The harder the trial is, the more blessings you receive by being faithful through it. At least, that's how it's been in my life. This year was no different in that regard.

I love looking back and seeing where my trials lead me. Some of the biggest examples I can think of are:
1. When I moved to Texas
   - I was 14 when my family moved to TX, and I thought my entire life was over. I went into depression for about 3 months, thinking I would never be happy again. I told my Mom I was going to run away, and I made a plan to do so in my journal (complete with a goodbye note). I was convinced that nothing good would come of this trial... until I met Isaac. My first Sunday in Texas, this cute boy looked at me from across the classroom and right then, I noticed he was different. I went home and told my mom that although my life was over, there was this one boy that was pretty neat. And the rest is history. The blessings FAR exceeded that trial that seemed unbearable to my 14-year-old self.
2. Graduating early
  - When I was 16 my parents sat me and my siblings down and explained that we would be moving the summer before I began my Senior year of high school. I was devastated. Not only did that mean that I would need to graduate early, it also meant that I would be leaving Isaac for a year before college. I prayed through it, though, and eventually felt peace. Half-way through the summer, with me in the middle of summer classes so that I could finish high school a year early, my parents sat us down once again and told us that we wouldn't be moving after all. I was ticked. I had already set things in motion for graduating. I was so upset that I gave that Senior year up for nothing (though, I was excited that it meant Isaac and I would still be together.) It wasn't until I got into BYU that I realized why I had to graduate early. I tried hard in High School, but my GPA wasn't the highest according to BYU standards. That with my low ACT score would have prevented me from getting into BYU, but because I went to a junior college for 2 semesters and made a 4.0 there, I was able to transfer those credits, and I made it in. Once again, I understood that because of my faithfulness during what seemed like a very difficult trial, I was given blessings more than I could comprehend.
3. Our house being broken into
   -You all know about that whole thing, our house being robbed last year. But here's the thing. Because of that robbing, we were able to battle it out with our rental company and get released, without penalty from our lease. It just so happened that at the exact time that we were finally let out of our lease, a budget-friendly, everything-we-want-and-more apartment opened up and we were able to get the slot. Isaac and I think about that often as we enjoy our current place and how glad we are that everything worked out like it did. God didn't chose for us to have our house broken into, that was some idiots dumb choice, but He knew how to make good things come of it. He always knows how to make good things come of it.

From these experiences and more, I've come to realize in a very poignant way that God gets it. He gets what's going on. He knows our lives way better than we do. He knows that certain things will be hard for us and certain things will be awesome. He knows the paths we need to take to make us the best people we can be. Most of all, He loves us. He loves us so much that He's willing to watch us suffer because He knows something even better is on the other side of that suffering.

This year, as I head into a future full of unknowns, all I can do is have absolute faith in the fact that God is with me always. He will always be watching our little family. As bad things happen, because they will happen, He will always make good things come of it. As long as I can have faith in Him, regardless of the circumstance, I will be blessed more than I could imagine.

Anyway, that's my New Year's post. I hope everyone out there has an awesome 2013. :)

Speaking of something awesome, this is a new video of Sam making all sorts of noises. He did this for 15 minutes straight that night and we were cracking up. I love his little voice. :)

A Day In The Life of Sam

Today, I woke up my mom. It was the 4th time I woke her up since she made me go to sleep last night. Obviously she doesn't understand that sleep is optional, a gift given by a selfless son like me on nights when I feel generous.

This time when I woke her up, I made sure to make little whiny sighs, like I do when I'm not really upset yet, but I want her attention. (She always falls for the whiny sighs.) After a few minutes, I realized that I might need to bring out the big guns, so I started to cry. She got out of bed and picked me up. ;) After cuddling me for a bit, she brought me to one of my favorite places in the world- my Changing Table! 

Oh, my changing table. You represent everything good in the world. You are the gift that keeps on giving. I love looking in the mirror next to my changing table, and making sounds at my friend, the funny looking baby on the other side. (What does he do all day when I'm not there to play with him?) Sometimes, I can see my mom in the mirror. It's so funny, all I have to do is smile, and my mom goes crazy. I love making her smile, so I do what I can.

Donning a fresh, dry diaper, I headed back to Mom's room to play. To thank me for the segments of sleep I gave her, she started playing with me. We did our morning exercise with Mom moving my arms and legs, while tickling my tummy. Seriously, I don't understand why she thinks tickling is necessary. I kept smiling because it's so funny to watch her reaction each time. She makes all of these funny noises and faces, and all I have to do is smile.

After a while, Mom and I got so noisy that Dad woke up. He's just like Mom, so when he started talking and making all of his funny noises, I smiled at him too. Mom and Dad always argue about who I smile at the most, so I like to change it up every now and then, just trying to keep things lively.

After our morning exercise, I decided that I was tired, so I went back to sleep. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I really want to go back to sleep though, so it takes me a while to decide. During this time, I expect Mom to hold me and be patient. Ultimately, I usually decide that a nap sounds good, so there's that.

After I woke up, I ate again. Eating is another favorite of mine. Mom knows that I don't have much patience when it comes to my food. When I want my food, she is expected to give it to me right away. Sometimes she tells me that I need to wait while she gets my bottle ready. I'm not sure why she didn't just think of that before I was hungry. (What else does she have going on, anyway?) I let her know that her lack of preparation should not mean that I have to suffer by screaming as loudly as possible. This usually helps her to understand that in the future, she needs to be prepared and not take so long getting my bottle ready.

After eating, I had to burp. Burping is an art. Sometimes, I like to burp loudly and abruptly. Sometimes, I like to take a long time before burping, just to build the suspense. Burps come in a variety of different mediums. Sometimes they are more solid, sometimes they are more watery. I often like to choose a specific target on which to bestow my artwork. These targets often include Mom's clean outfit, Dad's shoulder and down his back, or all over myself. It really just depends on the day. Sometimes Mom tries to hinder my creative talent by placing a "burp cloth" in the way. But I usually make my burps unpredictable enough that she doesn't get there in time.

Well basically, that's my day. Just repeat all of the things I mentioned above about 7 times, and you'll have it.

Overall, I'd say my life is pretty good. I have two parents who would do anything for me, especially if I smile. I have a comfy bed, and an awesome changing table (Shout out to my homeboy, mirror friend!). Hopefully, soon I'll be able to grab stuff like Mom's hair and eat baby food (which I've heard can also be quite the art).