Sometimes it's really hard to be a Mom.
Sam has been sick for over a month now. At first, I felt like I was handling it pretty well. Then the sleepless nights kept piling onto each other. The scary moments of him not breathing, or me being in the other room when he starts to cough kept coming.
Then, there's the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing I can do for him. He looks at me with sad, pained eyes, and I just have to look back at him and tell him (and myself) that this will end at some point. It'll be OK.
On top of Sam's sickness, my schooling and therapy have come on full swing. With Isaac and I trying to toggle schedules, switching off with him moment to moment, it gets complicated and stressful.
This past week, my normal babysitter called me the night before my 9am class to tell me that her little ones are sick. I didn't want to risk Sam getting anything else at this point, so I ultimately decided I would have to take him to class with me.
I don't know if any of you have had the experience of bringing a 4-month-old, sick baby to a 3 hour long class, but it's a lot to deal with. It's constant. I'm worried about him laughing; I'm worried about him crying. Mostly, I'm worried that he'll cough (which he did) and everyone will think he's about to die because he'll stop breathing. Beyond all of my personal worries, I know that the people in my class are tired of him.
On Mondays, Isaac has class until 1:30, and I have class that starts at 1. This leads to me taking Sam to class every week for 30 minutes. Today, I tried everything I could to get there on time with both of us dressed and him fed. I finally got to class and as I walk in, 2 girls rolled their eyes and started talking to each other about me.
That was my breaking point. I don't expect them to understand. They haven't been in my shoes, and that's OK. But can I get a break? I realize that a baby in class isn't ideal. If I had my way, I wouldn't ever bring him. They can't see the long hours at home, the stress me and my family are under to try to make this all work.
So I say to you few people who read my blog. You never know what people are going through. Please don't judge. I realize that it's not always easy to have us mothers around, but we're doing the best we can. I'd like to think that if our situations were reversed, I'd be accepting of you.
Oh, Callan. I feel so hard for you. I want to tell you that we've all been there, but I know that probably won't help much. Unless you're a parent, it's hard to understand the strain that we go through. I know the breaking point you're talking about. I once screamed in the middle of a crowded airport pick-up lane at some idiot smoking marijuana right next to my sick baby. I had had a rough flight, no sleep, and my back ached something fierce from towing around a twenty pound baby and luggage. You're stronger than I am, I would have screamed/thrown a book at those immature girls. Keep going. It gets better. You will only come out of this stronger and with more love than you thought possible in your heart for sweet little Sam. Sorry for being so cheesy, but this post made me cry. I hope things get a little easier for you.
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