Overwhelmed

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed.

Not necessarily overwhelmed with life as it currently is for me, but with life as it soon will be.

I look at the 5 months left I have of this pregnancy and think to myself, "I'm not ready."

I think back to the decision Isaac and I made to get pregnant and wonder what the heck we were thinking. We're just kids! How can we expect to take care of one?

As the reality of Motherhood descends upon me, I find myself almost breathless at times, wondering what experiences it will bring and how I will handle such experiences.

Beyond even that, I have my graduate program beginning at the same time. 2 major life events happening within weeks of each other. Both, bound to change my life in their own unique ways.

So what I am I thinking, choosing all of this?

At this point in my questioning, I usually come to one conclusion: Because it's right.

Isaac and I knew that we should start trying to get pregnant after 2 months of marriage. Both of us were hesitant, understanding that the timing wasn't exactly great for out plans. We knew we could delay for a year or 2 and still "technically" be following the commandments. I remember those prayers we offered, both about grad school and the baby. I remember the feeling of reluctance I had as I came to God with these questions, both of which I already knew the answer to in my heart. But more than anything I remember how incredible the feelings of peace and assurance were.

Ironically, these days I often feel more childlike or immature than I ever have. As I pray to a loving Heavenly Father with these overwhelming feelings, I picture myself as a little child just learning to ride a bike without training wheels. My Heavenly Father is the one behind me, urging me to push on despite my justified fears. He knows that this will bring me joy and I trust him, which is why I'm doing it.

I look at all the things that I still need to decide: Cloth diapers or disposable, natural childbirth or epidural, breastfeeding or formula fed, etc...? Then there's buying everything I need to buy.

As much experience I've had with children, I still feel completely unprepared. How will I know how many hours I should wait in between feedings? How will I know which cry means what? How will I know if my baby is sick or hot or cold? I feel like I should have begun reading books and learning about all of this stuff way before now. With only 5 months left, I feel completely behind.

I'm sure I'm not the only 1st time mother who has felt this way before. So I welcome your suggestions and feedback, fellow mother readers.

In the end, I guess pregnancy in general is turning out to be a lot more faith provoking than I would've anticipated. It seems so simple- get pregnant, have a beautiful little baby that makes you lose sleep at night, and live happily ever after. But as the reality of this responsibility is hitting me more and more, I find myself deliberately pushing forward in faith.

I can't imagine what it would be like if this pregnancy happened on accident, or I was a single teenager facing such an unknown. What those mothers must go through...

Anyway, I apologize for the long entry about my personal woes, but I thought maybe writing about it would help me sort things out in my head. And I was right. I feel much better now.