Emerson's Birth Story (Part 1)

Even before I gave birth to Emerson, I knew I would write his birth story on my blog. Something about the way I experienced Emerson's pregnancy made me believe that his birth story would be worth writing. And I was right.

First, a little about my pregnancy with Emerson. From the beginning of this pregnancy, everything felt completely different than Sam's. I got pregnant a little earlier than we had anticipated, but was able to adjust to the new plans. Throughout the first trimester, I was physically healthy and rarely got sick, but I was an emotional wreck. I went through a round of pretty heavy depression which was completely unusual for me. I have experienced periods of sadness or heaviness throughout my life, but this was real depression. I felt unmotivated and upset the majority of the time. I felt alone and scared, but I had friends all around me and I had nothing to be scared about. I felt like this baby wasn't going to survive and went to every doctor's visit expecting terrible news. After I realized what was going on, I did some research and apparently pregnancy depression (not just postpartum depression) is fairly common and can be brought on by the hormonal changes in the body.

By the second trimester, my mood lifted and I was able to feel more like myself again. I still went through depressive moments, but it wasn't all-consuming. Mostly, I was excited to find out the gender of the baby because I knew, 100 % knew, that this baby was a girl. I had had various experiences, some of which were very spiritual and meaningful to me, that made me believe this baby was a girl. I was so sure I hadn't even looked at boy names and had begun buying girl clothes.

And then, we found out he was a boy.

If you know me, you know I have a VERY difficult time with unmet expectations or sudden changes. It takes me a long time to process through them and adjust. This was one of those times that was really hard for me. When the ultrasound tech said that it was a boy, I was floored. My whole world changed in that moment. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's how it felt to me. I had begun to picture a life with Sam and a baby girl. I had pictured doing her hair and having those mom-daughter conversations. I felt like I knew her and was beginning to anticipate who she would be. Then all of the sudden, she was taken from me and replaced with a stranger. Who was this boy? Since when was he the one inside of me, instead of this girl that I had already bonded with? What was I going to do with another boy? And what if this sweet girl never comes?

Needless to say, it took me a while to adjust. I cried for a few days and then felt completely guilty about it. I felt so ungrateful. I know so many of my friends who struggle with infertility or who have lost their sweet babies too early. I know that they would be happy to have any healthy baby, regardless of gender. And here I was, upset because my expectations hadn't been met. Why couldn't I just be happy that our baby looked healthy and we were being blessed with another sweet boy?

Eventually, I began to adjust. I started looking at boy names and I got all of Sam's adorable baby clothes out of storage. Even after accepting this new person inside of me, I couldn't seem to feel connected to him. I would try to picture him, get to know him in my head, and I just couldn't. With Sam, I had a pretty clear idea of the type of person he would be. I felt like I knew him before I met him. With Emerson, I couldn't even finalize a name for him. He was such a stranger to me.

This disconnect as well as the depression I experienced in the first trimester made me very concerned that I would not feel attached to Emerson once he came. I was afraid that postpartum depression would be a real issue for me.

After thinking of ways to help myself through this, I kept feeling like attempting a natural birth with Emerson could help. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't shake the idea. I had a wonderfully easy and smooth medicated birth with Sam. I had a voluntary induction right at 40 weeks, and I got an epidural halfway through the labor and slept through the rest. It was awesome and I loved it. So I was really surprised when I began to consider natural birth with Emerson. I guess part of it stemmed from feeling so out of control through the whole pregnancy. The prospect of having more control over my birth with Emerson lightened my spirits and gave me something to look forward to. I liked the idea of being able to actively prepare for it So I began looking around for natural birthing methods.

(Stay tuned for Part 2.)

Small Talk

Dear Checkout Lady,
         I met you last night as I was getting my groceries. I sat in line thinking about how glad I was to not have to bring my toddler shopping with me and how tired I felt from spending the day with him. When it was my turn in line, I began putting my stuff on the conveyor belt and you began scanning it through.
         Something you don't know is that one of my New Years Resolutions this year was to make an attempt at conversation with the cashiers any time I was checking out at a store. You see, I have a really difficult time with forced conversation or small-talk when it comes to strangers. This is a weakness of mine and it causes me a lot of anxiety. So this year, I decided to try to work on that weakness. I can't say my anxiety has gotten any better, but I can say it has gotten easier to strike up the conversation.
          Last night, when I met you, I became overwhelmingly grateful that I had pushed past my initial fears and started a conversation with you.
          I asked you how your shift was going so far (a line I've found is pretty safe to start out), and you told me that it was going well but that due to the fact you are 8.5 months pregnant, you were pretty tired. I immediately recognized this as a common-ground topic and proceeded to empathize with you. We talked briefly about pregnancy and our loss of energy. I talked about my "pregnancy brain" issues and told you about how just that day I went to get a drink of water only to realize that I had put a jar of peanut butter in the sink, instead of back in the cabinet.  You laughed and totally related to that.
           Then that moment of silence happened. That moment where my anxiety peaks because I either have to find some way to continue the conversation or give up on it altogether. I decided to press on and asked you something to the extent of "So with you being 8.5 months pregnant, I bet you're getting pretty ready to meet your little girl." You looked at me with a hesitant but pleasant expression and then you told me a little of your story.
           You told me that up until a few weeks ago you were 100% sure that you were giving your baby girl up for adoption. You had already selected birth parents and built a relationship with them. Then, 3 weeks ago all of that changed when the adoptive mom was able to conceive on her own and they backed out of the adoption. You talked about how now, you weren't sure what to do or if you could trust anyone with  your little girl, how maybe this was a sign that you are supposed to keep her.
           As you told me your story, I realized I had no idea what to say to you. I felt something I haven't felt since being a therapist. I was able to see your strength without even knowing everything about you. I saw you, not as a cashier at Walmart, but as a strong, worried young woman. And I felt such compassion and love for you. You told me about such a raw part of your life and I admired your candidness. You didn't tell your story to me so that I would feel sorry for you, you just told it because it was real life and you wanted to be real. I appreciated that and longed to keep talking to you, help you figure out your choices, and support you in a time when clearly your support system did not exist. I wanted you to see the strength in yourself that I could see in that small moment with you.
          Instead, you finished bagging my groceries and I told you something to the extent of "Wow, good luck with everything." You smiled and thanked me, and I left.
         I unloaded my groceries into my car thinking about the contrast between our lives. I was going home to a husband who loves and supports me and a toddler who thinks I am his whole world. I have boxes full of baby clothes in my bedroom, just waiting to be sorted and prepared for this new little one who is entering our family. This pregnancy has been hard emotionally for me, but not once did I have to question whether I was prepared to bring my baby into this world or whether I would be able to provide all of the things he needs. I thought about how differently this pregnancy would have felt if I had not known these things. Or if, at the end of the day, I didn't feel able to keep him. A surge of gratitude filled my heart as I realized how blessed me life really is. My life suddenly felt so simple and uncomplicated and I was grateful for that.
          Because I didn't get the chance to thank you last night and our paths may never cross again, I wanted to take this chance to say it all. Thank you, fellow pregnant woman, cashier lady. Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with me and helping me to realize how good I have it. Thanks for helping me further overcome one of my weaknesses and for showing me what can happen when you learn a little about people. Thanks for letting me see your strength. I hope someday, you'll be able to see that strength, too. And good luck with your decision about your precious little girl.
       
-Callan
       
         

Live Like I Am Living

All the time in mommy blog posts across the world, tragic news stories, or Tim McGraw's greatest hits albums I hear the phrases "treasure every moment" or "live like you were dying." Most of the time these phrases are attached to some kind of "because."

Treasure every moment because... you never know when your precious child will be taken away from you.
Live like you were dying because... you only live once and you don't want to live with regrets.
Treasure every moment because... life can completely change in the matter of a second.

And so on.

As I've read these stories and the precious sentiment behind them, I have often found myself thinking about this concept. How do I live like I am dying every day? How do I seize the moment, treasure every minute with those that I love to make sure that I don't end up with regrets? With these questions comes inevitable guilt. I ask myself, "Was I treasuring my life when I spent 2 hours watching TV last night instead of connecting with my husband?" or I'll say, "Dang, I failed at that YOLO thing today because all I did was clean my house and make sure Sam didn't seriously injure himself in some way."

But through hours of allowing my mind to contemplate this concept, I've come to a comforting conclusion:

There is no way to "treasure every moment."
There is no way to consistently "live like you were dying."

In fact, I'd go out on a limb and say living like that is counterproductive and unrealistic to real life.

I understand where mommy blogs and news articles are coming from when they tell us to reexamine our lives and try our best to live them to the fullest. The realization I've come to, though, is that sometimes living life to the fullest means doing the things that are completely mundane and seemingly meaningless.

I think about what my day would be like if I knew Sam only had 24 hours to live. Assuming he was healthy and could still do everything he can do now, I imagine it would start with me waking early in the morning (perhaps never sleeping the night before) and creeping into his room to watch him sleep. I'd watch his belly go up and down and love every breath he took. I think our day would consist of Isaac not working, nothing else in the world getting in the way. We would go to the park or let him ride some fun kiddy rides. We would eat all of his favorite foods. He wouldn't hear one correcting word or pay any visits to timeout for bad behavior because we wouldn't have the heart to go through with it. My computer would be completely ignored as well as any other media-related device, unless it was a music player and we were dancing together. With all of that and more, I guarantee that at the end of the day I would have some regrets. I would think of things I could have done differently to treasure my time with him more.

So as I think of that "ideal" day of treasuring my time with my family and living like I or they are dying, I think about how unrealistic it is. No work would ever get done, no bills ever paid. Our house would stay dirty because what's the point of cleaning? Sam would never learn the difference between good or bad behavior because I would treasure anything from him at that point.

So how do I treasure the special moments without feeling guilty that more often than not, my life will feel just normal? Well, I answer myself, I guess it would be best just to treasure it all.

Maybe in the end it's not that I need to change much about my life. I don't need to spend an entire day complying to every one of Sam's whims in order for me to feel fulfilled and not have any regrets. In fact, that would be really unfortunate. What if life is really more about treasuring the mundane things because it's the mundane things that teach us how to really live? I don't need to feel guilty about every time I put Sam in time out or tell him to go play in his room by himself, because he learns things through those times that I could not teach him otherwise. This life is about learning and we have to experience the normal to learn that the exceptional is exceptional. How else would we appreciate it?

I guess the conclusion I've come to is that I need to live... like I am living. Because, I am. And at the end of the day, if something tragic or unfortunate occurs that changes my life forever I hope I can look back and say to myself, "It's ok, you lived like you were living and you did your best to love it."

Oh, Boy!

Hey Sam, do you want a huge sucker? 

 There's a reason I gave you this big sucker. Do you want to know what that reason is? 

 You know that blue is usually a color for boys, and pink is usually a color for girls, right? And what color is the sucker you are holding?

 What I'm trying to tell you, Sam, is that I'm giving you this sucker because I have some big news for you. 

You are going to be a big brother! And guess what? 

 You're getting a little brother! You aren't going to be the only boy anymore! 

Say "hello" to Olive baby boy #2. 

Baby's First Haircut

Ok, so I know that his haircut was long overdue. 

I think I was avoiding it because I have absolutely no experience with cutting hair and didn't want to make him look bad (plus his curls are just so cute, I didn't want to have to get rid of them). But alas, his hair kept falling into his eyes and it was starting to bug him so I decided to go ahead and take the plunge.

Before

Before

I had him watch a couple episodes of his favorite show- Shaun the Sheep. He didn't move the entire time. :)

After

After

After (He was very into his show.)

 He has some weird hair lines where his hair doesn't grow in spots that it probably should, so I did my best not to make him look like a monk. :) Overall, I feel like it wasn't a huge disaster, so that makes me happy. I can't believe how big he's  getting. 

In Provo and Loving it

Hey Utah! It's nice to see you again!

We are officially moved in a finally getting settled into our new apartment here in Provo. Our move went fairly smoothly but we were definitely happy to get here and get unpacked.

Since moving here, Isaac found a job at BYU that he is completely in love with. It is exactly in line with what he wants to do career-wise. We are super grateful he was able to find a job so quickly, especially since we know the Provo job market is not always easy to navigate.

I have been having adventures with Sam and really enjoying the one-on-one, no-interference time that I've been able to spend with him. He's my little buddy and I love him to death. In many ways, I'm glad this new baby still has a little while to cook because I'm having lots of fun getting to know Sam outside of having school and work responsibilities. Provo/ Utah has so much to offer in terms of fun things for families and children to do, I'm almost overwhelmed by it all. But we just plan out each day and try to go do fun things as often as we can. I love watching him explore this new world of grass, hills, trees, water, rivers, and mountains. He is already in love with it all, in his own little cautious, reserved way of course. :)

Since pictures are more fun than words, here are some pictures of our latest adventures.

I took Sam to the splash pad, and he was very unsure about it at first.

It always makes me laugh how there can be an entire splash pad available to big kids, but they have to come over to the one little spout my toddler is playing with. Luckily, Sam was pretty chill about it and the big kid got bored quickly. 

Eventually, he discovered it was actually pretty fun, but he never wanted to go completely in the water.

Occasionally, the splash pad would turn off and then begin another 15 minute cycle. Sam loved when all of the water was off and he could just splash in the puddles, but he was caught off guard when the water started spraying and he was in the middle of the pad. 

We also like playing at the park.

Sam and I have been on a couple of walks and I continue to just soak in the beauty of all of the nature around me. Much different from the barren, windy, dirt-filled prairie we just left. 

The river we walk along.  

This week, we have also had a lot of fun because my mom has been here in Utah. She came to visit her newest grand baby/ my newest niece, born just over a week ago. After spending lots of time cuddling with the new baby, she got to come hang out with me and Sam and we have gone on adventures. 

My Aunt Cyndi had the idea to visit the City Creek Mall in SLC and to take the Trax train with Sam. My mom had never been to the mall before so she loved getting to see it. Sam loved the train and not having to sit in a carseat. Being his analytical and cautious self, Sam had to figure the train out first, and then decided it was really fun.

The next day, we all went to my Grandma Snow's house so she could see a bunch of her great grandchildren she hadn't seen in a long time. She also got to meet my new niece. We had a great visit with her and my Aunt Kathleen. 

Sam had funny climbing the stairs and looking at us through the balcony. 

Beyond all of my fun mommy adventures, I'm looking forward to getting my Etsy shop up and running again with more merchandise and exciting new ideas. I enjoy thinking of things to create and finding ways to create them. I also hope to continue to challenge myself intellectually by researching books and articles about the things I am passionate about. 

Today, I also have my first Utah doctor's appointment, so we're hoping for good things with the new doctor and the babe. 

Life is good and we are very excited to see what the next couple of years holds for our little family here in Utah. 

14 and Smitten

Tonight, Isaac and I were sifting through some old boxes, trying to get rid of anything we could allow ourselves to get rid of for our upcoming move. We happened upon several notebooks and boxes full of stuff we gave each other when we were teenagers. The things ranged from silly jokes on a post it note passed in the middle of seminary to each other, to meaningful, gushy, loved-filled letters soaked with the current trial or teenage heartbreak we happened to be going through that day. I came across an old journal entry from a journal I thought I had lost and it is so good I just had to share.

When I wrote this entry, I was 14 years old. Back then (and still) I liked to address my journal as a person, so that I could act like I was talking to a friend when I was writing. (I was inspired to do this after reading Anne Frank for the first time and seeing that she called her journal "Kitty.")

Isaac and I met about 2 months prior to this entry and I was completely smitten with him.

So here goes nothing- Callan in the mind of a 14 year old girl.

"Dear Lizzy,                                                                                      9-11-04
     Today was my first church dance here in Amarillo. It was soooooooo much fun. Lot's of guys were dancing with me, and it was just the coolest atmosphere. I am really happy, but I am confused. I don't know if Isaac likes me or not. I am like 'In love' with him, but I can't really tell if he is interested in me. Tonight I had the urge to tell his sister that I like him, but I didn't do it. I have to think this over. Will he treat me different if he knows I have a crush on him? I am just one whole ball of hormones right now, it's weird. I like every guy, but Isaac I feel like I could marry one day. He fits, 100% the curriculum" ((I think I meant criteria... haha)) "that I have set out for a future mate. He's strong in the church, he would be a good father, he can make me laugh. Plus, tonight I danced with him the last dance and we were talking and at the end he twisted me around (like they always do) and told me that I look really nice. OMGosh, I was so happy. I can't believe he would say that. It would lead a girl into thinking that that particular guy favors her, or so I thought, until someone came up to me and told me that he didn't like me like that. Man, why did they have to tell me that, I would've been a lot more content just being the naive girl that I am and thinking that he actually liked me. Should I tell his sister? Should I tell him? Should I tell anyone? Should I even continue on in this quest? What's the point, even if he, by some unspoken change, were to ever, in the least bit favor me as opposed to every other girl he has swooning over him, we aren't even 16 yet." ((The designated dating age for LDS youth)) "So where would we go from there? Well, I am pretty confused. I want him to like me so bad, but I'm not sure why. Did you know it is actually likely that we could get married? Yeah, because he is going to BYU at the same time I am, but he'll be going on a mission, and if I wait for him, which I would of course, then we could definitely get married. Cool, huh? Yeah, who am I kidding, he could have any girl out there, why would he pick me? But still something pretty strong inside of me tells me that it might very well happen. If only things could be that way. If only I could get the 'prince charming." If only. Well, I must be off, I will write to you later, perhaps things will turn good, or not. But for now there is hope, right? Talk to you later. Bye.
-Callan Snow"

We also found a 5 year plan that we had made on a date one time (at the urging of Isaac's dad who was always supportive of our relationship, but always there to help us see the long-term). It started in 2007 with Isaac and I planning our early graduations from high school. Then it went through our time at BYU, Isaac's mission, my study abroad plans, my graduation from BYU, and ultimately our marriage. The last part we planned was me getting pregnant sometime in 2012.

We look back now and laugh at how eerily accurate it all is. Everything went completely as we had planned for it to go in our relationship for 5 years. That's so crazy to me, but so awesome. I absolutely love reading over stuff like this and realizing that even at 14 years old I was so sure about my life. There is no way I could have predicted the life that I now have with Isaac, but somehow against all odds, it all came true for us.

I also love looking back at how incredibly dramatic I was! Perhaps this will give me more sympathy for my 14 year old daughter when she comes home one day talking about how she loves someone... *crossing fingers that that NEVER happens* ( I can hope, right?)

Isaac's mom found a spoon girl that Isaac made when he was 3. It had blonde,
curly hair and a purple scarf, so we had to take a picture. (2005)