I've been trying to think of how to write a fancy, fun post about having Sam in our lives, but nothing seemed to fit.
It's always harder to write when the subject matter is so near to my heart.
As all of you readers know, Isaac and I had our baby boy on Sept. 18.
The reality is, Sam is amazing. I love watching his little lips smack after he's satisfied during a feeding. I love that he already recognizes me. The other day, I started talking to him and he sleepily smiled. I know it was probably just gas, but that little smile melted my heart. I love waking up with him in the middle of the night and snuggling him tight. After he's done eating, he'll stay awake for a little while, just looking around and making noises. Sometimes I get annoyed that I can't go back to sleep yet, but then I see his eyes looking up at me and all of that goes away.
And the other reality is, Motherhood isn't easy. Through long nights and worrisome absences, I've come to realize what it feels like to be a mother: the aching love I feel when I'm sitting in class just thinking about my little guy at home, the time constraints and always being 10 minutes late to everything, the times when I'm just so tired, but I've got 2 people depending on me for certain things. It's tiring. But so worth it.
It's crazy how much such a little person can change your life. For the rest of forever, I get to be this little guy's mother. I get to worry about him and love him. I hope he always knows how much I love him.
It's actually been kind of an emotional journey for me these past 3 weeks. I'm sure lots of it is to do with the crazy changes in hormone levels happening in my body right now, but I think some of it has to do with just me. Sometimes, I think I'm afraid to love Sam too much. It's like, I try to keep myself detached from him just a little. I think I'm afraid to love him fully because I'm so entirely responsible for him, and what if I fail? What if I'm not good enough at all of this stuff? Not that I'll neglect him or anything like that, but what if this little guy grows up to be a rebellious teenager and turns away from the things Isaac and I have taught him? What if he sees our mistakes and weaknesses and decided he no longer needs us in his life? Or what if, on a more practical basis, the influences of this world hit him so hard, that Isaac and I can't protect him from them?
I look at this tiny baby and see the life that he has ahead of him. I see all of the things that I want for him and all of the things he could be. But then I see all of the things he's gonna have to deal with, all of the temptations and hardships he'll face. And I wonder how Isaac and I will be strong enough to help him deal with it. And will he listen?
Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father who will be there to help me be the best Mother I can be. I couldn't do this without the Gospel in my life.
Anyway, I love being a mother. It's everything I've dreamed of and more. It's also very humbling, full of complete unknowns and a lot of trial-and-error. I'm excited to start writing about my motherhood adventures on this blog.
Beautifully written, Callan. You really have captured the essence of motherhood - you love fiercely and whole heartedly, but at the same time, you're praying for guidance every step of the way because you see the pitfalls around you.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that you can totally do this with the Lord's help, as you mentioned. There will be many worries and doubts and struggles, but there will also be overwhelming joy, and that makes it all worthwhile. It is difficult, but completely worth it.
You and Isaac will be good parents, because you are willing to be guided by the Spirit, and it won't lead you astray. Love you muchly. ;-)